mistakes were made
this is a quote off j franzen's "freedom", which matt reminded me of during my 1 day in bucharest this month, on my way out of romania. because these days i miss my old friends, with whom mistakes are different than with strangers, or with newer friends.
as far as i can see, mistakes are a natural consequence of interacting with people. especially when both sides want something, which might not be the same thing. i had to deal with people these 2 weeks, what with being in urgent need of a place to live. it's not a comfortable position to deal with people from.
but i think i'm better at surviving than at thriving...which is always one possible answer to the permanently-asked question of why did i have to leave romania again.
so, you have me, my priority (finding a place) and the extra complication that i always want to be liked by people, by all people as much as possible. and that i'm a stranger of sorts to the city again, and i think people and people only are going to be my salvation.
(me: i really need to make 10 friends right now.
friend i made in 2012: don't be greedy, try to settle for just 5 for the moment.)
but also: i wanted to live alone. this was the plan. i must have spent whole months in cluj reading the craigslist apartments/housing page. i was looking at a 2 1/2 or 3 1/2 (places with a bedroom+living room space) and fixed the clear limits for how much i wanted to pay, and decided on the neighbourhoods i was ok with. i really thought it was possible.
so the first week i started looking in apartments/housing, but couldn't really find appealing places. i think i've figured out why now: it was beginning of october barely, and people normally look to move end-of-month. so whoever had an apartment to rent wasn't hurrying much, because they still had 3 weeks time for visits etc. great.
but then a friend got me a bit worried, by wondering what chance i had to actually sign a lease, what with not having a job yet. what landlord would allow that? i acted tough and said well, it would have to be a reasonable landlord. but man, i could see her point, so i started looking under "room shares"too.
and, goodness, it was atrocious!
looking back with a cold statistical eye, i must have written over 30 messages (individual ones, tailored to the ads!). a landlord wants to know you will be able to pay rent, so he would need references, guarantees, credit check. a roommate wants to know they'll get along with you, so they want your life story, qualifications, hobbies and activities, and all of that conveyed in the appropriate tone. which, you don't know what it is, you just have to give it a shot.
so, trying to stay honest while spouting up messages that say "based on pics and the wording of your ad, i think this might just be the place for me" is...
HARD. here, i said it
but all in all, though i exchanged lots of emails with LOTS of people, i only made 8 visits all in all, which i think is decent. every place i went to see, i actually sincerely hoped would be the one. they had either great location, good description and visuals, or a potential roommate that sounded like a wonderful person.
then comes rejection.
i handle being rejected a lot better than being the one who rejects. maybe i will whine a bit, make a list of the things that were actually HORRIBLE or would have become so in the long run, re: that place/person. then i can let it go, because in such a quest rejection is unavoidable.
(i have to say though, i hate all the seemingly nice people who promise they will call/write with an answer, shake my hand on it, then take the cowardly way out. you did not have to promise to call, dude! you knew you were lying! fuck that!)
i know whether they like me or not within the first minute in a room.
that's painful, because i am there in a beautiful apartment, where i would love to live, in a good area, with cheap rent, with a person who is probably a hipster but still, intelligent and likely charming. i see i'm not their person but that they are too polite to not treat me the same way as any other potential roommate, put me through exactly the same test (usually half an hour of conversation).
any attempt i could make to break this facade is doomed to fail. i just have to return the politeness and take it.
once, only once, i said: "i actually think this room is too good, too fancy for me, and i think you see it as well." high five to me for actually using the word "fancy"...but on a 2nd thought, what was i trying to accomplish saying something that sounded like i was putting myself down, THOUGH I WASN'T.??
i know when they like me but i will have to say no.
it's even more horrible when i don't say no right away - out of fear that maybe there's no better deal. out of fear of loneliness.
thinking that, look, this person likes me and it's a big plus. at least the atmosphere will be good, even if the apartment is small and kinda smelly. i met a wonderful girl who looked like hilary swank, who lived with a huge dog. i avoided making a decision for one whole day, but at the end of the day i had to write to her that i would keep looking. that was devastating.
that made me feel like a horrible person more than any other thing i did these 2 weeks.
so i just signed a lease today (which is why this post) and am still feeling very weird about it. like my first stage of getting back to montreal is now coming to an end. i'm also leaving my provisory room no.1 right now, to move to another provisory room, but there has been so much in between arriving and this moment.
mistakes (small ones), but also, just, people. people who talked to me in french, who encouraged me, stayed on the phone with me, who took me out for drinks, took me out for the best falafel ever, made fun of "homeland" in my company, gave me tips on how to find cheap stoves and fridges, cooked for me and gifted me with clothes. as if.
for a lonely introvert, who will live alone again soon, i will say it again: my hunger for people continues to be humongous.
* more: awkward moments with male friends:
e1: so, is "game of thrones"- the book- full of sex scenes, you know, is there lots of porn?
me: yeah, there's sex scenes...but there's also a lot of honor porn, that's what's done it for me lately.
me: let me show you this [pair of expensive boots i'd just bought in "celebration" of my lease] - i'm sure you'll appreciate it!
e2: miss carmen, they're wonderful! does your mother know about this?
...
c.
 |
| picture taken from matt's window. wherein the two halves of the tree - the real and imaginary- almost fit together. |
but i think i'm better at surviving than at thriving...which is always one possible answer to the permanently-asked question of why did i have to leave romania again.
 |
| the small things and good intentions...both matter. really. at least for me. |
(me: i really need to make 10 friends right now.
friend i made in 2012: don't be greedy, try to settle for just 5 for the moment.)
but also: i wanted to live alone. this was the plan. i must have spent whole months in cluj reading the craigslist apartments/housing page. i was looking at a 2 1/2 or 3 1/2 (places with a bedroom+living room space) and fixed the clear limits for how much i wanted to pay, and decided on the neighbourhoods i was ok with. i really thought it was possible.
 |
| pic from the wall i walked by with giulia in bucharest. man it's 2 weeks already. it does feel like a lifetime ago. |
 |
| and here's another one from the same walk, just steps away from cinema "patria", where anim'est was happening. "la vie est ailleurs".... i was talking to the girls at one point this summer trying to decide what our own House Words would be, in a "GameOfThrones" world. pretty spontaneously I said "I'm not here". there might be better answers, but this has always been my own weapon and misfortune, in any place. i dunno, maybe just try to make the best of it? |
 |
| this is from montreal - swings on the edge of parc jarry |
but then a friend got me a bit worried, by wondering what chance i had to actually sign a lease, what with not having a job yet. what landlord would allow that? i acted tough and said well, it would have to be a reasonable landlord. but man, i could see her point, so i started looking under "room shares"too.
and, goodness, it was atrocious!
looking back with a cold statistical eye, i must have written over 30 messages (individual ones, tailored to the ads!). a landlord wants to know you will be able to pay rent, so he would need references, guarantees, credit check. a roommate wants to know they'll get along with you, so they want your life story, qualifications, hobbies and activities, and all of that conveyed in the appropriate tone. which, you don't know what it is, you just have to give it a shot.
so, trying to stay honest while spouting up messages that say "based on pics and the wording of your ad, i think this might just be the place for me" is...
HARD. here, i said it
 |
| i took this picture in parc-extension, one evening when i was considering just calling all the numbers on every "a louer" sign i saw on my walks. i have heard of a lot of deals made this way, especially in parc-extension. |
then comes rejection.
i handle being rejected a lot better than being the one who rejects. maybe i will whine a bit, make a list of the things that were actually HORRIBLE or would have become so in the long run, re: that place/person. then i can let it go, because in such a quest rejection is unavoidable.
(i have to say though, i hate all the seemingly nice people who promise they will call/write with an answer, shake my hand on it, then take the cowardly way out. you did not have to promise to call, dude! you knew you were lying! fuck that!)
i know whether they like me or not within the first minute in a room.
that's painful, because i am there in a beautiful apartment, where i would love to live, in a good area, with cheap rent, with a person who is probably a hipster but still, intelligent and likely charming. i see i'm not their person but that they are too polite to not treat me the same way as any other potential roommate, put me through exactly the same test (usually half an hour of conversation).
any attempt i could make to break this facade is doomed to fail. i just have to return the politeness and take it.
once, only once, i said: "i actually think this room is too good, too fancy for me, and i think you see it as well." high five to me for actually using the word "fancy"...but on a 2nd thought, what was i trying to accomplish saying something that sounded like i was putting myself down, THOUGH I WASN'T.??
i know when they like me but i will have to say no.
it's even more horrible when i don't say no right away - out of fear that maybe there's no better deal. out of fear of loneliness.
thinking that, look, this person likes me and it's a big plus. at least the atmosphere will be good, even if the apartment is small and kinda smelly. i met a wonderful girl who looked like hilary swank, who lived with a huge dog. i avoided making a decision for one whole day, but at the end of the day i had to write to her that i would keep looking. that was devastating.
that made me feel like a horrible person more than any other thing i did these 2 weeks.
 |
| this was taken at jean-talon market, on the day when i had my best 2 visits, within 1.5 hrs, both on the same street (close to jean talon market), only 2 or 3 houses away from each other. |
mistakes (small ones), but also, just, people. people who talked to me in french, who encouraged me, stayed on the phone with me, who took me out for drinks, took me out for the best falafel ever, made fun of "homeland" in my company, gave me tips on how to find cheap stoves and fridges, cooked for me and gifted me with clothes. as if.
for a lonely introvert, who will live alone again soon, i will say it again: my hunger for people continues to be humongous.
 |
| my first poutine in montreal, at "la ligne rouge" by jean-talon. tribute to giulia's curiosity. this was chicken poutine - and check out those cheese curds! |
e1: so, is "game of thrones"- the book- full of sex scenes, you know, is there lots of porn?
me: yeah, there's sex scenes...but there's also a lot of honor porn, that's what's done it for me lately.
me: let me show you this [pair of expensive boots i'd just bought in "celebration" of my lease] - i'm sure you'll appreciate it!
e2: miss carmen, they're wonderful! does your mother know about this?
...
c.
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