not sleeping, but slipping
it's not insomnia.
how do i know? because i do sleep. i fall asleep eventually, after a number of tortured days. i would take naps at 7 pm, if i let myself. i sleep between, let's say, 8 a.m. and 11, when going to bed has become an afterthought.
there's the anxiety. easier to control in the daylight and all.
there's the glitzy things on the internet. it's always here within reach, not necessarily the cause, but often the go-to place for my deranged sleeping patterns.
there's the fact that a week ago i broke my lamp. i knocked it down. actually, that's a bad excuse though, because the lamp still works, i replaced the bulb tonight, and look, it's working.
there's the having late night conversations. then there's the not having late night conversations. i can't tell which is worse. both are bad, but i can't tell which will get me more wired.
back in the day i used to not mind lack of sleep. that and crying. now i see the clear imprint of both on my eyelids - immediately. how long, and why, would you keep something like that up anyway?
then, i feel a duty to keep my body and my mind going as if this were real life. to keep them tuned for real life. any slippage is neglect, bad girl.
any possible plan is torture.
i'm counting how long til i can possibly afford things. in case X, in case Y.
so then i go on fashion blogs. then i read advice columns again. then i read series recaps.
around 3 am on CBS there are crime shows of some sort.
i never fall asleep in the dark. that would mean lying back with the intention of making yourself fall into it. i always want to avoid the waiting. i sleep with a light on. with a book in my hand.
there is nothing to wake up to, really. ("nothing but privilege" some good friends would say.) i used to be curious, now i'm just exhausted. there's the idea that if i fix this sleeping thing, and then if i fix other things, then i'll be curious again.
i read, i do lessons. i keep in touch with people. i even go out sometimes. i cook, i try to drink a lot of water.
i can't do anything really. within this thing, my mind.
but the moment it happens, that's beautiful and safe. i'm somewhere in the dark, feeling myself slipping, and i smile.
how do i know? because i do sleep. i fall asleep eventually, after a number of tortured days. i would take naps at 7 pm, if i let myself. i sleep between, let's say, 8 a.m. and 11, when going to bed has become an afterthought.
there's the anxiety. easier to control in the daylight and all.
there's the glitzy things on the internet. it's always here within reach, not necessarily the cause, but often the go-to place for my deranged sleeping patterns.
there's the fact that a week ago i broke my lamp. i knocked it down. actually, that's a bad excuse though, because the lamp still works, i replaced the bulb tonight, and look, it's working.
there's the having late night conversations. then there's the not having late night conversations. i can't tell which is worse. both are bad, but i can't tell which will get me more wired.
back in the day i used to not mind lack of sleep. that and crying. now i see the clear imprint of both on my eyelids - immediately. how long, and why, would you keep something like that up anyway?
then, i feel a duty to keep my body and my mind going as if this were real life. to keep them tuned for real life. any slippage is neglect, bad girl.
any possible plan is torture.
i'm counting how long til i can possibly afford things. in case X, in case Y.
so then i go on fashion blogs. then i read advice columns again. then i read series recaps.
around 3 am on CBS there are crime shows of some sort.
i never fall asleep in the dark. that would mean lying back with the intention of making yourself fall into it. i always want to avoid the waiting. i sleep with a light on. with a book in my hand.
there is nothing to wake up to, really. ("nothing but privilege" some good friends would say.) i used to be curious, now i'm just exhausted. there's the idea that if i fix this sleeping thing, and then if i fix other things, then i'll be curious again.
i read, i do lessons. i keep in touch with people. i even go out sometimes. i cook, i try to drink a lot of water.
i can't do anything really. within this thing, my mind.
but the moment it happens, that's beautiful and safe. i'm somewhere in the dark, feeling myself slipping, and i smile.
buddy,
ReplyDeleteit`s ok.. please pull through. You are just ina foreign land. I understand why you do not want to sleep. Sometimes my mind refuses to sleep because I haven`t done enough ''fun'' things during the day.