time, light

it took the sun coming out for me to realize that i`m living on the non-sunny side of the street.

but keeping in the shade helps with the clarity of vision: walking down my street i saw tree branches shooting up to the bluest clearest sky, each bloom plump, distinguishable. the day before that it had been winter. a few days after it was winter again. time as a bubblegummy loop.

my computer crashed and it brought me up to surface into the world, afloat in my bubble of empty time, bouncing against air walls. sitting in the cafe with just a book, i could see how things used to get done before, but it was such a distant memory, it came flattened in 2-dimension. the sun was streaming in and everything was clear, clean and silent like on a hemingway morning. unreal in that way - like it was still happening to someone else, in other words. i lack the precision, the parsed language, the authoritative grasp of simple things and drink labels. if i blink, it all becomes blurred.

bubble inside a bubble. i arrived at the metro and it was temporarily blocked. i was going downtown to my bank and that was the only task i had for the day. i turned and crossed the street and lined up waiting for the bus. the line was long. you could tell people who had a life from those who didn't: they were making phonecalls, hailing taxis with annoyed, jerky gestures. i was standing with my thick book open, with sunglasses on. some people were deep in animated conversation - politics, projects. a girl next to me carrying a violin case, her small green earrings catching the sun.

it took being stranded from my strandedness to finally panic a little. i am accustomed to a panic of sorts, the one that comes at night, needling, tormenting. it was the same kind now, but with more of a PR face: now that you realize that time is running out, it said to me, what will you do? will you stand with the rest of the suffering people with no taxi budget, and honor your dreary chores, few as they are? or will you take the chance to run, break away from it this moment, run the streets til your heartbeat paces down, go and start doing something that matters, something only you can do?

i stood at the bus stop. six emergency buses came and went, they were all full with people on their way to places. i watched them from behind my sunglasses. any second, i could have just walked, or run.