me and the city

among the hobbies i've indulged in recently, taking amateur portraits of myself has been a huge pastime. see how i've perfected it down to cute sober faces, with appropriate props. it was enough for me in my little world.
but my friend ovidiu has a nikon d800 (which i'm told is a big deal), is starting a photography business (he does weddings and graduations basically, because...what else?) and sometimes he finds time to spend with me. and so... ( it was only a matter of time, right?)... i got my own photo shoot!

http://foto-si-video-cluj.blogspot.ro/search/label/%C5%9EEDIN%C5%A2E%20CASUAL

now "la ciudad y la morena" is clearly his title, because his mind works like that. and honestly except for myself i didn't bring anything to this session, vision or concept or...stuff. i had no requirements and was just ambling along and talking all the time and being curious about the outcome. much like on any normal day i hang out with ovidiu.

we went to some of the places we normally go:the square in front of the big cinema - along and cross the river - into the park up to the stadium. in the aftermath i thought of whether maybe i should've prepared more/you know, like DONE more. well, clearly...
 i am conflicted about the use of make-up, because generally i don't bother with it, but it's just as normal that i'd go overboard one day on the lip gloss and eye shimmer. (also, from recent wedding-related insights: professionally applied make-up can be a work of art in itself. still too expensive to go to that length for what was supposed to be a walk in the city.)
on the other hand, i'm glad what i wear represents me so much: i bought the pants two weeks ago and they're still too tight on me; the sweater and the bag are basically hand-downs from my former roommate helene. also my mum would/will probably suffer deeply at the sight of the unironed sweater. CASUAL.  it says CASUAL.
for someone who's a sort of a control freak (even if not a perfectionist) it was a torture during the shoot to have no idea what was going on - for example how much of me was in the frame, how clearly a grimace would register, how crazy my hair went in the wind. i always think i blink in photos, and i was talking all the time. (also how do you make a smile last and not fake it? there's no way.)
i wanted to be good at it! i am competitive. but then i got there and i forgot.
 
the big difference, of course, is between 'seeing only what you want to see' and 'being seen as you are'. if you ask whether i expected the photoshoot to look prettier than my self-portraits? mais non, au contraire! as a self-doubting narcissist i was thirsty for truth, but hoped for a smoothed-edge truth, that would allow me to keep living.
i might have gotten glimpses of it: not all of them, because the post on the site is still in progress, i've only seen about half the photos to date. portraits are always interesting to look at.

1. shadows and light. apparently what the professional does is avoid the temptation to play with shadows. instead they try to light up the subject's features. i used to think that was boring...well but it depends again how artsy the photo is, i guess? basically clear is better than dark and unclear any day. or blurry. all the happy accidents of artsy amateur photos are more accidents than they are happy.
2. as a person with deeply ingrained body issues, i am grateful and vindicated that my thighs are out there in at least one photo (there are more). a photoshoot of me will include photos of my thighs. i expect this even if i'm not brave enough yet to verbalize it (i think it's humiliating to have to verbalize it). i don't want to hide or starve the elephant in the room.
3. my face is lined like whoa. i guess it takes an extra good camera to pick up on those extra special signs of aging. i'm not sure whether i like or dislike this or i think it's high truth or art or sadness. still taking it in.