recap

this is the way it goes with lists: even among a bunch of good things, some are better than others.
my personal order here: 1. pumpkin bread; 2. chocolate chip; 3. scone; 4. peanut butter/sugar; 5. chocolatine.
h/t to https://www.facebook.com/cafereplika

so, this year. at a superficial first sight, one (i) would say it was the worst year of my life. let's examine just in passing, from mid-distance:
- super hard winter, with a vengeance
- unexplainable stress over school, spilled over into resulting unemployment, blah
- break of contact, loss, iretrievable damage to about 5 relationships that were important to my life and functioning.
- worst summer. i gloss over it as "the unspeakable horror". but it's gone. it was just the summer, folks. i closed it in a box and it will shrink in memory.
- bad things that got into the news cycle, that affected me personally, albeit indirectly.
the instinctive reaction is to also add tragedy and death that happened this year all over the world, but then i stop myself, because i don't want to be that person, even if i am for seconds, for one night; i'm not going to appropriate other people's suffering, i can only try to empathize, but that has no place in here. but, you know, briefly: what a freaking bad year this was, folks.

so, but, as long as there's a continuation, i.e. i am not dead, it's horribly amazing how hopeful i can still feel. on account of the small good things that did happen, and of...just a vibe!?

small good things - that i am thankful for:

grateful to keep living in a place i can call home: i just took this little table (it's actually a nightstand) from the street this month, and it fit right in, with some help from tina

1. my cat. i don't have words. obviously she's the greatest cat in the world.
2. going to the gym. (thanks S. for recommending it!). maybe it's the obvious thing to do when one's feeling down; i only know that it worked (especially in july-august when i was actually going very regularly), even for someone as lazy and non-physical as me
3. netflix etc. (thanks L and B. for links). i can watch ANYTHING ANYTIME, and i damn sure did. people, i am a newcomer to this! the person who not only doesn't have TV, but used to only use internet for reading. well, now that all fanfiction is apparently exhausted....this new strange "watching" trend started for me early in winter, when "the wire" held my hand through going for As in 5 classes at once; but then in summer "mad men" saved my life, and a long list of other marathoned series, and lately movies, have kept saving my life over and over, because this is how survival goes.
4. ...i want to say "networking", but this is not what it is, because hey it's me. it's more like, down to the concrete core of it, enrolling into stuff than i then actually attend. it's going to a writing group, trying to get to grips with calling myself a writer (am not entirely convinced yet!); but also REALLY dating off okcupid, in spite of the occasional embarrassment it is. it's not only about showing up, as i discovered the hard way; in dating, and interviews (ugh) and social contact, it is about not showing up in sweatpants, with your hair unwashed, and acting superior and defensive all the time. lower it to 30% of the time, and we're in business! so, not a success, but a whole load of (i hope) incrementally useful experience.
5. new friends. this is a tender thought and i don't want to disturb it, but i am excited about people again.

and i'm grateful for montreal, even if i wish i knew how to explain it better. like here in this mural (with the strange black-clad figure standing on top of a building, you see it?), where the city and its expanse goes far beyond what i can focus or show you. (or maybe it's  just laziness, as someone suggested. oh well)
h/t B. for all the phone pics, my camera is practically dead

but it feels like this end of year calls for a celebration! (recent pic taken in parc ex)

in a confusing climate, it's always from people i'll take comfort. going forward. ok, i'm pathetic, whatever, i'll go listen to some music, and maybe i'll write some holiday e-mails, just a fresh thought.