it's more simple than that

the lazy turtle of parc station, lazing in the lazy autumn sun

i'm afraid i will be overdramatic in this post. please bear with me, because i bring no information. just loads of unripe emotion, harvested at this point just to free my mind. AND expressed only in vague terms. the worst kind of post possible.
i have to be calm because i have life to live and manage. i have quizzes to take, chapters to read. social activities to attend. essays to draft, commentaries to post. homework to upload. but all this schooling is just a screen....it's not the door to a decent working life. it's just a doorway i've stumbled upon.

i know to most people who don't know me what i'm doing may sound logical, and like i'm a pragmatic person taking steps to improve her life. i question this every day. i question whether i'm wasting time in school, though i like school, i still question how much use this is to me. undeniably, it makes me feel good to be engaged in something. but feeling good makes me guilty, and liking being a student makes me guilty, and so on. also, this is a short break i'm buying. a few months.

this is what autumn feels like for me. getting ready for winter and then stressing that winter is coming and that look at all this beauty, it will soon be over.

sometimes things just leave me breathless with awe. it comes only for a moment, and then it is gone.

i love this season, and i dread it, because it represents passage. it's the most comtemplative season, and i get so tired of being myself i.e. thinking like myself. too much deja vu.

matching what you are with where you are and what you do

there are things i've learned to do against seasonal depression just by virtue of being  "old". knowing that things do add up, on some level, and that theoretically, generally, it does get better. knowing that doing things helps. taking things step by step. getting out of bed and looking at the sun. inventorying all the beautiful non-lasting things. keeping warm. having groceries at hand. journaling makes my life feel like "happening", i.e. more active and actually interesting. all of these.

always, deep breath.

and once again

unfinished things are frozen in their own deceitful promise of grace